if you looked in my life and see what i've seen

***

If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen...

Life can be only what you make it
When you're feelin down
You should never fake it
Say what's on your mind
And you'll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease -

mary j. blige

***

i suppose this post was inevitable. this is the stuff that makes you kick and scream out of nowhere. out of everywhere. no control. it's a wave. i ride it. i scream. i distract. i think i think i think and now finally i write.

if you looked in my life and see what i've seen.

i never want to see it again.

all i want is to see it again.

i mean at least say goodbye. shouldn't have to end like that.

erizen sei bowles. that name for starters. no one ever forgets it. and that stare. all for me. and his son. and the adventures and love we shared. it grew so fast. and then one night it was just gone.

it was a tuesday. one doesn't forget.

its that fucked up scenario you play in your head like what if i get cancer? what if i lose my job? what if i don't have kids? what if my husband dies.

life gives you choices. but not always. take advantage of the ones yet get. and ride the others like a mother fucking champ.

i am a humble person but my lowest and proudest moments happened that summer when i lost my best friend. in an accident. our lives were just beginning. a few weeks shy of our one year wedding anniversary. we were going to spend it in venice. the universe had other plans. instead he went one way and i went all over the place. it was some ride.

it led me here. and now i spend all of my days trying to deserve all that i have.

this post is dedicated to erizen bowles. fellow champ. parent. bad ass. he really knew what was up. he was ending and i was beginning. we were each other's yin and yang. EB and SB. that was us.

happy birthday e. gone but not forgotten.

PS: we were pretty obsessed with the aerial shot. super slimming. RIP ESB.