6 little words
when josh and i are apart we text each A LOT. yesterday it was 72 messages. when together we trade links and memes only one of us thinks is HYSTERICAL. but the other chuckles anyway, or gives an eyeroll. i almost always call him from my car on my way home from work. mainly because i have to update him on something that feels super important but probably isn't. and because i just need to hear his voice. every night we share dinner or a drink together and just talk. sometimes when we're really tired we just stare at each other and smile.
we sound like the perfect couple huh?
well, while it seemed like we were doing everything right (without even trying), there was something i wasn't saying. something that until last monday night i hadn't realized meant so much to my life partner, my best friend, my cheeky.
josh had received the invite a few weeks before and as luck would have it, my mom was available to babysit so that we could attend the premier of one of josh's recent projects, "the assassination of gianni versace: american crime story" . i remember how proud he was of the show. how nervous he was to work with ryan murphy. how excited i was to possibly meet/see/anything ricky martin.
it was the monday after the golden globes. a cast of hundreds who contributed to the show or were lucky enough to be a plus-one like me filled the arclight theatre. within 30 minutes i saw ricky martin. the lights went down as the show began, i took a moment to squeeze josh's hand (which i was already holding). i turned my gaze toward his and our eyes met. i smiled and whispered, "i am so proud of you."
OH MY GOD the look on his face. i will never forget it. it was like i had never said those 6 little words to him ever before. and then my heart sank. maybe i hadn't. at the very least it was not enough to even remember a single prior occasion. i think had he not been distracted the wide screen and gripping show opener he would have cried. as he took in the words he looked as moved as he did the day i walked down the aisle to marry him. or the christmas day when i gifted him what would become his favorite coat of all time.
what an amazing power we can have. the ability to make someone so happy and fulfilled. while i felt bad for not saying it more, i think it came at the right time. i think it surprised him. part of me thinks he gave up on me ever saying it and forgot he even cared. because he loves me and knows while i am not perfect, i'm it.
so perhaps next time he takes out the trash without me asking, or cooks my tofu just right, i'll say it again. and I will shout it from the rooftops if he every gets me near ricky martin again.