happy birthday knox + a birth story!

Listen to the silence, let it ring on
Eyes, dark grey lenses frightened of the sun
We would have a fine time living in the night
Left to blind destruction, waiting for our sight

we would go on as though nothing was wrong
hide from these days, we remained all alone
staying in the same place, just staying out the time
touching from a distance, further all the time

dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, to the radio

- joy division

before knox was born, we just kind of knew he would be a total badass.

we were not wrong.

on june 17, 2014 at 9:32AM, i gave birth to my second child and first rock star, knox porter cheek. at around 8:35AM that morning, a small huddle of hospital staff stood in front of my bed conferencing about how they were going to get this tiny person out of me. i remained calm and remembered to dab on some BB cream before my big scene. josh browsed reddit and rubbed the perpetual sleep out of his eyes to no avail. this was not our first trip to the rodeo. then suddenly, and just like that, my team was wheeling me into OR for an emergency c-section. i groaned. i was not happy about this at all. then came the spinal tap. i screamed like a baby when they injected me. a nurse held my hand and told me i would be ok while a notably freaked out josh tried to look anywhere but past the linen fence blocking my insides from view.

i was really scared. i was so sacred that i knew i was scaring josh, too.

finally we heard knox cry. and honestly it was a horrible sound. because when you hear a baby cry and you are there to comfort them, well that's ok. but for what seemed like FOREVER (ok ten minutes) i couldn't see or hold him and his wails rang like a cat getting a bath. i will never forget how that felt. i felt helpless and pissed. my baby was crying and i was unable to leap into mama action. i laid there, useless and hysterical. finally, the crying stopped and i knew knox was in josh's care.

and then there he was. staring at me. my little rock star. when i envisioned this moment i was so sure he would look just like max. but nope. this kid was dark-haired, fair-skinned and the eyes of an old soul. my mini me.

i had met my match.

as i got to know my son, i remember thinking of ian curtis, lead singer of the post-punk band joy division, A LOT. somewhere between breastfeeding and delirium i managed to watch closer. have you see it? well, it's really good. it also had me compairing ian to knox. at first it was because knox looked weird in newborn pastels. none of max's hand-me-downs worked out. and then again with the eyes. knox wore the expression of a beautiful, tormented soul. it took him a month longer than max to smile and even longer to laugh. over time he became fearless and physically very strong. he is curious while drawing zero attention to himself. like the second you try to help do anything he refuses it. he doesn't care what you think but loves you just the same. knox also loves to say "bye!" and shake hands. knox's favorite thing in the world is tackling his brother to the ground and swinging real high on the swings.

knox loves bath time but hates to brush his teeth.

knox has crazy big hair.

and i love it. i love it all. and love will not tear us apart. sorry ian.

as for you knox, i love you so much it truly hurts. you are two today but my baby forever. thank you for letting me be your mama. happy birthday. xoxo.